It was probably eight or nine o'clock in the morning. Come to think of it, I never actually looked at the clock. I do know that it felt more like four or five in the morning. I still wanted to be asleep. In fact, I was still asleep. The key word in that sentence is "was."
As it happens, it was also Mandy's birthday. We had already planned to meet my parents, my brother and his family for lunch. Though I rarely sleep very late on Saturday, we had set an alarm, you know, just in case. Apparently, this particular Saturday was the one that my body thought it was going to take advantage of every minute of sleep available before that alarm.
Then, everything changed.
I was suddenly awakened with a shot to my admittedly oversized belly, and one word. "Daniel!" It was my wife, Mandy. I couldn't immediately decide if her cry was one of excitement or of panic. I do know I was panicked. I believe that I now understand the scare goats on a whole new level. You've seen them right? They're the ones that, when startled, succumb to a sort of temporary paralysis. It really is hilarious. My reaction in that instant felt similar. I froze momentarily, trying desperately to discern what was happening.
Mandy was sitting beside me on the bed. By now, I was awake enough to tell that she was not in distress. As my adrenaline rush subsided, and I returned my heart to my chest, I noticed that she had something in her hand that she was excitedly trying to show me. I was not, however, awake enough to tell what it was. I squinted, but I couldn't make it out. I tried rubbing my eyes to clear the haze. Still nothing. I finally had to admit to her that I could not make out what she was trying to show me.
"It says we're pregnant!"
That's how she broke it to me.
It couldn't have been more perfect.
We are going to have a baby. We are going to be parents. I am going to be a dad. Wow! I mean...wow! What do you think about that?
What am I supposed to think about that?
After years of being married and believing that we were unable to have kids, we got the news that we COULD start a family. After months of trying, we now had the news that we WILL be starting a family.
Well, I have had a few weeks since hearing the news, but something tells me that I have hardly begun to think, feel, imagine and experience even a fraction of what I will from this point on.
Again, what am I supposed to think?
Most of my thoughts so far alternate between concerns over two sets of capabilities: financial and parental.
I wonder about the actual financial cost of being parents. I wouldn't call it worry. Rather, it is probably just the result of conflicting thoughts, presumptions, experiences, and stereotypes the sum total of which seems to be that "babies are expensive." On the other hand, there are those two words that many people hate hearing from me, Dave Ramsey, as well as the two words Dave says don't go together, financial peace. Many who know us know that Mandy and I have begun following Dave Ramsey's advice and have really turned our finances around. Instead of being multiple thousands of dollars in debt and struggling, we have no debt except our house and a decent emergency fund saved up. Truthfully, thinking about it rationally and logically tells me that we are in better shape than many who start families. Still, I can't help but wonder how a new baby will affect us financially.
The more pressing concern is my ability to be a father. What in the world makes me qualified to be a father? Many of my friends and family assure me that I am "good with kids." I also know that kids seem to love me for some reason. I believe that it is because the aforementioned belly gives them a nice, soft cushion on which to rest when I am holding them. I also have next to no sense of smell, so I am uniquely qualified for diaper duty...or is it doodie? On the other hand, I probably play more video games and watch more cartoons than most kids I know. Once I fall asleep, I am a very deep sleeper. How is my wife or my kid going to wake me up in the middle of the night for an emergency? Will I be that annoying parent who is clueless and under- or overreacts to everything? Also, the lack of smelling ability could mean I can't always tell when it is time to change the diaper. How do I ensure that I properly raise the next Dallas Stars/Carolina Panthers/Texas Rangers fan?
What am I supposed to think?
The truth? I don't know what to think. I am not going to know what to think. So, perhaps I will simply stop trying to figure it out. Wait and see. You see, whatever is coming will come whether I'm ready or not. Right?
Here's what I know. That little boy or girl is going to be the most perfect baby ever. That baby's cooing, giggling, smiling, laughing...calling me Daddy...will brighten many dark days and put the most amazing sunrise to shame. And if you need a pick-me-up in the next eight months, wait until you are around me and Mandy. Just tell me to do the baby trick. Then sit back, watch, and enjoy as she lights up like a Christmas tree when I say one simple phrase.
We're going to have a baby.
The game that is my life just got a whole lot more interesting.
Scripture: You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. - Psalm 139:13-14
Quote: "I don't know if I'm ready to be the man I have to be. I'll take a breath. I'll take her by my side. We stand in awe; we've created life." - Scott Stapp
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